...life...

something has been utterly destroyed in me: the belief in the sensibility of life.
at least the sort of life as we know it.

...need...

I feel the need to travel to a country and speak and think in a different language, to clear my mind. Holland, or England. Their languages are familiar to me. And they can shift my mind.

...on sharing...

my comment on a flickr post:

/
I´d never post my feelings or my heart on facebook, apart from this, it´s too complicated to use. I have an account there, mostly to keep up with postings of TV moderators.
I love flickr, it´s like a diary, only that each entry starts, and is usually based on a photo.
flickr and my circle of flickr friends have indeed helped me through a very hard time recently.
I think flickr is even better than a blog, because you can visually grasp other´s lives, it´s as if you were filing through a family or, in some cases, a very personal album.
flickr seems to be one of the most transparent ways to be together with friends all over the world. And all this in a private way, if need be.
I have a very vivid friends sections at flickr, where I want my friends to stand behind me and look over my shoulder at what I´m writing about, sharing my joys and sorrows. For me, this is the main purpose of flickr at the moment.
At flickr, I fave photos which appeal to me, I don´t necessarily comment, even less things like "beautiful, nice, good capture". I prefer more emotional comments, or none at all.
I hate flickering ads for groups accompanying some comments. They are the only nuisance with flickr. I don´t care about "explore", it means nothing to me.
/

...in all...

but in all, I´m deeply disappointed of this life.

...love?...

The first taste...

...is always sugar.
But she bitters eventually.

Thanks, Love from Larissa, for letting me post this.

...a comment...

I´m obliged to perlette, for letting me quote her comment on one of my photos:

/
The heart asks pleasure first,
And then, excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering,
And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.
Dickinson
Ayway...
yes it hurts,
but...
the hurt makes us feel alive...
maybe...probably...
/

...old mask...

I´m afraid of getting older.
I don´t want the ugly mask of ageing cover my real ego.
I´m afraid more and more.
There´s no sense in ageing. It´s the way of nature, and we have to go through it, mostly unprepared. Lured into old age by the industry insinuating that at our old age we could do things we always wanted to do, with shining (third) teeth, smiles over all of the face.

Blah blah,
that mask is cruelty in person.

I´d never have thought that this would become an isssue some day, a very serious issue. I´m not afraid of dying, but I´m very afraid of becoming old.

...what it is...

I´m seeing clearly what you mean when you say that "a loving mother is wonderful to have, but I doubt that it would have made any difference..."
I´ve come to the same conclusion. The past is gone forever. The past is only good as a building block for a life which we live now. If the past was good, ok, then your life is built on a solid base, can only be shaken by immense blows of fate. If the past was not so good, ok as well: time to review the blue prints for the edifice, make corrections whereever possible, look which building blocks are useful, which of them can be repaired, and throw away the rest, and accept that the edifice will be a bit smaller for better stability. Maybe more happiness can be found outside of the building: indulging in external beauty and wisdom.
The main goal is to be as happy as can be, to find a meaning for a small building. A beggar would be glad to live under a small roof, in an unheated building. He would start to build a stove, collect wood in the forest, and in the end he would be glad not having to care for a huge building with all its problems of maintenance.
I love metaphors, they are like "quick guides" for a complicated machinery.
The rules of human life are very hard. You won´t notice when you´re well off, but you´ll meet their full impact when you start looking for them because you want to find out why things are as they are.
The book with the rules is very hard to read.

From my comment on a friends comment on one of my flickr photos.

...solitude...

never back to solitude and loneliness. I couldn´t live without a partner.
ok, a few days leave is ok, but being by myself all the time: no way.